Know Your Stars: Harry Potter Edition!
by 0ut-t0night
Summary: Random, and hilarious! I hope. READ IF YOU DARE... Rated Z, because I LIKE POTATOES!
1. 1st Round

**Know your stars…Know Your Stars… Know your stars…**

**Ron Weasley…dyes his hair**

Ron: Um… no I don't.

**Yes you do…**

**Ron Weasley…is a pickle**

Ron: What? I'm a what?

**Ron Weasley…is French**

Ron: No I'm not. I'm British

**Ron Weasley… his father was really short**

Ron: Nuh-uh!

**Ron Weasley…he likes pudding**

Ron: WHY ARE YOU BEING SO RANDOM??

**Ron Weasley… gets on people's nerves**

Ron: I do?

**Now you know Ron Weasley, the annoying, hair-dying, pudding-liking, French pickle who's father was really short.**

Ron: Just SHUT UP!

**No. I don't want to.**

Ron: AUUUGGHHHH!!!

**Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…**

**Hermione Granger… she's going to Candy Mountain**

Hermione: I don't even know what that is!

**Yes you do, because you're going there. **

**Hermione Granger… she's actually a gorilla**

Hermione: Okay, that makes absolutely NO SENSE!

**Hermione Granger… she wishes she were spongebob**

Hermione: Not really.

**Hermione Granger… she lives in a pineapple under the sea**

Hermione: Enough with the spongebob!

**Hermione Granger…She's a polka pole-dancer**

Hermione: THAT IS A LIE!

**Admit it!**

Hermione: NO!

**Hermione Granger… she eats puppies**

Hermione: I DO NOT!

**Now you know Hermione Granger, the pineapple-living, spongebob-envying, polka pole-dancing, puppy-eating, gorilla who's going to Candy Mountain.**

**Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…**

**Severus Snape… he's actually a woman**

Snape: I am not.

**Severus Snape… he's a klepto**

Snape: Silence!

**Severus Snape… he likes women's fashion magazines, because he's a woman!**

Snape: I AM NOT!

**You're in denial**

**Severus Snape… he hasn't washed his hair in 30 years**

Snape: Yes I have!

**Severus Snape… he's wearing **_**those**_** shoes with **_**that**_** outfit?**

Snape: What's wrong with it?

**Severus Snape… His brother is a goldish named Paul**

Snape: I don't know anyone named Paul!

**Severus Snape… he's addicted to cheese **

Snape: I despise cheese!

**Right. Just keep telling yourself that.**

**Now you know Severus Snape, the greasy-haired, kleptomaniac, fashion-magazine-reading, cheese-addicted man who's actually a woman with a goldfish brother named Paul. **

Snape: I'll get you for this!

**Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…**

**Lord Voldemort… he's not really a lord. **

Voldemort: Yes I am! I will kill you for that!

**Lord Voldemort… he's three years old**

Voldemort: That's not true!

**Lord Voldemort… that's not his real name**

Voldemort: Actually, you're right.

**His real name is Patsy**

Voldemort: Grr….

**Lord Voldemort… he got a nose job**

Voldemort: NO I DIDN'T!

**Elaine… he-**

Voldemort: MY NAME IS NOT ELAINE!

**Patsy… he does ballet**

Voldemort: MY NAME IS NOT PATSY!

**Now you know Patsy, the un-lord three-year-old ballerina with a nosejob.**

Voldemort: GRRRR….

**Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…**

**Albus Dumbledore… that beard isn't real**

Dumbledore: Yes it is.

**Albus Dumbledore… I LIKE POTATOES**

Dumbledore: How interesting.


	2. Delores toadface Umbridge

**(Author's Note: Thanks to anyone who reviewed! For special requests as to who the voice will talk about next, just state them in your review! ******

_Know Your Stars, Today's Vict- er… Contestant, is Delores Umbridge! (Applause)_

**Know Your Stars, know your stars, know your stars…**

**Delores Umbridge… She's actually a transvestite dressed as a woman**

Umbridge: Excuse me? I have authority at the ministry of magic!

**So what? Like I care. I'm a disembodied voice, you can't hurt me! Hahahaahaha. In yo FACE! **

Umbridge: Detention! -pulls out evil quill pen-

**Foolish toady-person! -poofs away the quill-**

Umbridge: -stuttering-

**Moohahahahahahahahooey! That was my evil laugh. Ooh, you want some ice for that BURN?!**

**Delores Umbride… she bought that dress at Macdonald's. **

Umbridge: WHAT?

**You wanna mess with me, beeyatch?**

Umbridge: WHAT did you just call me?

**Beeeeyyyaaaaaattttcccchhhhhh**

**Delores Umbridge… F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me!**

Umbridge: MAKE IT STOP!!!

**N IS FOR NO SURVIIIVVOOORRSSSS!!!**

Umbridge: That's not even how the song goes! WAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

**Yes it is.**

Umbridge: I'm not going to argue with you.

**Yes you are. You are because I say so. And I'm the boss. So there. **

Umbridge: Actually, I'M the boss. –pulls out evil banana of death and chucks it at the sky-

**AAAHHHH BANANA!!!! **

Umbridge: hehe.

**I'm baaaaacckkk!**

Umbridge: Ugh.

**Buffy the Vampire Slayer! One girl, in all the world, she alone will have the strength to stand against the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness!**

Umbridge????

**Hehehe. I rule**

Umbridge: Not really.

**Now you know, Delores Umbridge: The transvestite who looks like a toad, dislikes spongebob, and bought that dress at Macdonald's!**


	3. Draco Fruitypants Malfoy

_Welcome back to Know Your Stars. Today's contestant is…. Draco Malfoy! -applause-_

**Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars….**

**Draco Malfoy… Lucius isn't his biological father….**

Draco: You filthy mudblood! Take that back!

**His real father is Rita Skeeter**

Draco: But she's a woman!

**That's what **_**you**_** think.**

**Draco Malfoy… He loves playing dressup. **

Draco: That is untrue! My father will-

**I ate your father**

Draco: WHAT?

**With ketchup. And pie for dessert.**

Draco: I hate you...

**Draco Malfoy… He loves Cedric Diggory- oh, well, loved.**

Draco: No, I don't.

**What, are you still in the closet? After all this time?**

**Draco Malfoy… He likes to sing in the shower.**

Draco: NO.

**His favorite song is "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy"**

Draco: -growls-

**Draco Malfoy… he's seen every episode ever made of Desperate Housewives.**

Draco: I don't WATCH muggle television!

**Whatevah, punk.**

Draco: What?

**Draco Malfoy… he secretly is a member of the Harry Potter fan club.**

Draco: I HATE Potter!

**And he drew himself a scar with magic marker. You just can't see it cuz of his hair. He's got POSTERS!**

Draco: I hate you. A lot.

**Yo momma!**

Draco: This. Is. POINTLESS!

**Draco Malfoy… he's not a natural blonde.**

Draco: Yes I am! My father will ruin you!

**I ate your father, remember?**

**Now you know, Draco Malfoy: The unnaturally blonde President of the Harry Potter fanclub who likes Desperate Housewives, Cedric Diggory, singing in the shower, and whose father was Rita Skeeter. **

Draco: How did I even get signed up for this?

**Purple.**


	4. Looneyer Luna Lovegood

_Today, we have the lovely Luna Lovegood as our vic-contestant! -woot-_

**Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…  
Luna Lovegood… She ate her radish earrings.**

Luna: No, actually I didn't. I'm wearing them right now.

**Luna Lovegood… She secretly wants to be the bassist in a band called Voldie and the Death-eaters. **

Luna: Oh, is that a band?

**Wouldn't YOU like to know! **

**Luna Lovegood… likes pudding.**

Luna: Oh, yes, I do!

**She likes fish pudding.**

Luna: Not especially.

**Luna Lovegood… she was born on Pluto.**

Luna: No, actually I was born here.

**Hehe. You were born on a dwarf planet. In yo face!**

**Luna Lovegood… she and Snape are having a secret affair.**

Luna: No, not really.

**DOES NOTHING UPSET YOU??**

Luna: Not really. I'm generally a fairly calm person.

**Grrrr….**

**Luna Lovegood… MICHAEL JACKSON!!**

Luna: -yawns-

**Luna Lovegood… why is she so freaking CALM?? WAAAAAAAAAHHHH**

Luna: You seem tense. I suggest yoga.

**WHY CRUEEEL WOOOORRRRLLLDD?? –Poofs-**

Luna: Hello? Where did you go?

Jack the purple-bearded leprechaun: -jumps on stage- Hiya everybody! How 'bout we rope some lizards?

Luna: What?

Jack: -poofs with a maniacal giggle-

Luna: I want pudding…


	5. Ginny Firehead Weasely

Disclaimer: ME: Disclaimer, disclaimer, my kingdom for a disclaimer!

Robert Pattinson: Say it.

Me: I own nothing. OMGZ, it CEDRIC! -tackles-

_Welcome back to Know Your Stars! Today's contestant is Ginny Weasel-I mean, Weasely! Applaud at will. _

**Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars….**

**Ginny Weasely… she has ferret envy.**

Ginny: What?

**Your mom says What.**

Ginny: ??

**Ginny Weasely… she claims to be a weasel. This, however, is A LIE!**

Ginny: I-I _never_ said I was a weasel!

**SHE IS IN FACT A FERRET!**

Ginny: ExCUSE me?

**Your excused. So's your mom. Ooh, how ya like them apples!**

Ginny: What apples?

**Ginny Weasely… she spells her own name wrong.**

Ginny: Oh? Well how do YOU think it should be spelled?

**Q….3….W…Y….94….NEGATIVE ELEVENTEEN! **

Ginny: Oookkkaaaayyy…

**Your mom's okay! **

**Ginny Weasely… she lies about her illicit affair with Draco Malfoy.**

Ginny: I hate that disgusting weasel!

**You're one to talk, ferret. **

**Ginny Weasely… she worships an eggplant named Bobert. **

Ginny: Alright, this is just getting weird.

**Bobert says your mom's weird!**

**Ginny Weasely… the sock made me do it!**

Ginny: Do what?

**Your mom.**

Ginny: EXCUSE ME?

**Pie.**

Ginny: -smacks self in forehead with an apple-

**BE KIND TO FRUIT!!**

Ginny: Someone hit me in the head. Hard. Please.

**Now you know Ginny Weasely, the lying, eggplant-worshipping ferret who spells her name wrong and had an affair with Draco Malfoy. **

Ginny: It's all LIES! LIES I TELL YOU!!

Author's Note: Heyo all you spiffalicious readers! I've got a favor to ask. If you, like me, read both Harry Potter and Twilight fan fiction, there's a certain story where R&R would be greatly appreciated! It's Cross Road, by daydreamingoncloudz, and it's a tag team we're co-writing! We're working SUPER HARD, and we've only gotten one persn to review other than myself so far, so any reviews (except flames) will be rewarded with cookies! 


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